Lincoln Logs

The Canyon Man And His Fight Against Modern Technology

For the vast majority of people these days, the ways in which modern technology has made their lives more comfortable is taken almost for granted. Even those famous haters-of-all-things-technological, the Amish, or looking at shooing their horses with newfangled horseshoes that promise to deliver at least 50 miles from a bag of horse oats, at minimum.

However, there’s one guy who is still refusing to leave the Age of Sail and get with at least the Age of Aquarius, let alone the age of digital cellular communication. Known as ‘Canyon Man, ‘ this guy can be seen working under his car every Sunday morning, surrounded by a cloud of noxious exhaust fumes whenever it’s running. If he has his way, he’ll even be buried in that car, sad to say.

It’s easy enough to pick this guy out around the neighborhood. For one, he has a leather watch band on his wrist that was given to him in appreciation of all his service after the end of World War I. For another, he is the guy who constantly rails against all these newfangled doodads that kids are sporting on their own wrists these days, claiming that they’re actually mind-enslavement tools.

In addition, Mr. Canyon Man can’t bear the thought of giving up that beloved television of his. Everybody knows what it looks like, and the chances are fairly high that the wood the console was made of came off some sailing ship that went down off the Carolina coast during the War of 1812 or thereabouts. The picture tube crackles and hisses, but Canyon Man loves it with a passion bordering on something resembling what Rasputin the Mad Monk demonstrated on occasion.

It will be a fair bet — in fact, this kind of bet should be taken all the way to the bank — that Canyon Man won’t be coming anywhere near something like a custom LCD television at anytime in the near or far future. He also probably has never heard the words ‘DVD player’ (let alone ‘VCR’) in his life without uttering a string of profanities once those words had hit his auditory sensory organs, otherwise known as ‘ears.’

What is this man going to do when he is forced to confront the fact that TV is no longer beamed over the airwaves in the analog world? Will he become a ‘New Age Digital Man’ or will he refuse to give in to the inevitable when it comes to a new television and the LED backlight technology that makes one so slim that he would be afraid to approach it for fear that aliens would kidnap his brain?

The question, then about whether or not modern technology will overwhelm the Canyon Man is an important one, if not for him than for the rest of us who have to put up with him and his obstinate refusal to get out of those disco bellbottoms and get with the real world. The blue smoke from the car is bad enough, but the wide-collared shirts and leisure suits are going to need to go.

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